Being a membership clerk and all (see post entitled My New Calling), I recently had to prepare a statistical report describing the state of my ward during the final quarter of 2007. The report included numbers for such things as current membership, attendance, and baptisms. The assignment got me thinking about what a statistical report of my life for the last quarter of 2007 might look like. Shown here is a report of some personal statistics I compiled. The numbers are scrupulously reported without so much as an ounce of exaggeration so don't anyone go questioning my integrity or I might have to abandon my scruples and beat you up. Or at least threaten to beat you up. Or at least entertain the thought of threatening you. Or at least speak a few harsh words. Or at least breathe.MY STATISICS FOR Q4, 2007
Current number of roommates: 2 (one roommate + one roommate's girlfriend)
Current number of Martinelli's bottles in my apartment: 6 (gotta love the bubbly!)
Total number of twistie-ties acquired during Q4: 5,469
Total number of twistie-ties mysteriously missing from the produce department of Schnucks: 5,469
Total number of DVDs added to my collection on black friday: 5
Number of papers accepted for publication: 1 (my first ever! Be sure to congratulate me!)
Number of crazy upstairs neighbors who play their music at all hours of the night: 1
Number of times I asked my crazy upstairs neighbor to turn her music down: 1.5 ('.5' because she didn't answer the door the second time).
Number of crazy upstairs neighbors that were handcuffed by two armed detectives who subsequently escorted her from the premesis: 1
Number of downstairs neighbors who were sad to see her go: 0
Total number of days spent in sunny Arizona in utter bliss: 13
Total number of days I got out of bed before 11 while on vacation: 0
Number of single mormon women in Arizona for every single mormon woman in Missouri: 2815
Number of minutes I had to catch my flight after I arrived at the St. Louis airport: 15
Total number of people in the security line at the St. Louis airport: 198,232
Total number of flights missed: 1
Total number of curse words uttered: 1
Total number of siblings/honorary siblings who made it home for Christmas: 8 (all of them!)
Total number of teenage sisters that got cell phones for Christmas: 2
Total number of teenage sisters I'll probably never hear from again: 2
Total number of paninis consumed: 16
Total number of sweaters purchased at after-Christmas sales: 6 (don't forget to compliment them!)
Number of ski trips taken: 1
Number of years passed since previous ski trip: 4
Number of butt cheeks used to "ski" down the mountain: 2
Number of BodyJam sessions attended: 1
Number of backup dancers: 3
Number of dentist appointments: 1
Total number of cavities: 0 (as in none whatsoever!)
Number of pounds due to Christmas spoils by which the luggage weight limit was exceeded on the trip back to St. Louis: 6
Number of days 'till next Christmas: 348 (only!)
Number of potentially hazardous furnaces in the basement of my apartment building that could spew out poisonous carbon monoxide fumes at any moment: 1 (too many!)
Number of property managers that did jack crap about it: 1
Number of future children that I have sold into slavery in order to pay my most recent gas bill: 3
Number of positions Mitt Romney has for any given issue: 17
Number of presidential candiadtes I'm interested in voting for: 0
Number of times I've heard the word 'ironic' in the last week: 408
Number of secret blogs discovered: 2 (booya!)
Number of months 'till my next blog entry: ?
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11 comments:
All sorts of congratulations on your publication! Way to go.
Sounds like you had fun in AZ over Christmas vacation. Wish we could have been there.
You know, I thought I would never hear from Katie when she got a cell phone. But now she calls me when she is walking home from campus, so we get a 15-minute talk once a week. I'll take what I can get....
Sarcastic? Or ironic?
Number of people who care: 1. And he knows who he is.
5,469 twistie-ties? 198,232 people in the security line? How impressive you were able to keep track of all of them, no wonder you are the membership clerk.
What are you trying to be one of those cooool Mormons who dislikes Mitt Romney. Don't be a hater!
Sincerely D. Wilson
Way to go on your publication! Sounds like you had quite an interesting trip.
Congratulations on your paper. Down with you for dissing Mitt Romney. And whatever you hear from Mike Huckabee, Frank Luntz, Carl Cameron or CNN is NOT the truth.
HAHAHAHA!!!
I forgot to congratulate you on Sunday. Being published is so exciting!
I finally found something we have in common!! Neither of us have cavities!! I knew we'd be BFF's eventually. I mean, given that you don't like whole milk I thought there was no hope...but alas.
I wish I could say I've never had any cavities, but if I did I'd be fibbing. Ironically, the fact that I have had cavities in the past could very well be attributable to my milk of choice: chocolate. Guess we can't be BFFs after all ;)
Congratulations! Love your statistics.
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